


Running Home

by The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight



Series: Shadows of the Past [2]
Category: Persona 3
Genre: Blood and Injury, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Minor Original Character(s), Minor Violence, POV Original Female Character, Sequel, Songfic, brief appearance of some p4 cast, brief time in inaba, get ready for more, i'm back bitches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2020-11-23 15:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20894069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight/pseuds/The_Clock_Strikes_Twilight
Summary: Kirika stepped into her apartment, closing and locking the door behind her. She tossed her keys onto the coffee table and moved into the kitchen. She opened the fridge, leaning over to scan the remnants. Hmm. Her last shopping trip was just the other day and there already wasn’t much left. Guess she hadn’t gotten as much as she originally thought. Oh well. It was too late to go out anywhere. Not that she wanted to go out. So, she grabbed a beer and called it a night.She fell onto the futon with a heavy sigh. She then grabbed the remote, turning the small television on. It was on the news station, which wasn’t anything new. She pretty much only ever watched the news…when she did watch TV, that is. A bad habit she formed to fill the silence.“The time is now 12:15,” the reporter said, “on October fourth—”She raised an eyebrow. “October fourth, huh?” She nodded, pursing her lips. Then she lifted her beer can. “Tch. Cheers.”





	1. Compromise

**Author's Note:**

> Song Used: "Misguided Ghosts" by Paramore

_I’m going away for a while_

_But I’ll be back_

_Don’t try and follow me_

_Cuz I’ll return as soon as possible_

_See, I’m trying to find my place_

_But it might not be here where I feel safe…_

(March 8th, 2010)

“Do you think we’re supposed to be together right now?” Kirika asked Akihiko as they sat together on their usual bench at the Shrine.

“Hmm.” He considered this for a long moment. “Y’know, Kiri, that night—the night the world was supposed to end—you were almost the only thing I could think about. All I wanted to do was keep you safe; I needed to know you weren’t gonna get hurt.” He paused. “Even amidst all that chaos, I realised something. I realised just how much I want to be with you. I realised just how many doubts you may still have about being with someone. So…I want to prove to you just how much you mean to me. I want to prove just how much I love you.”

She smiled sheepishly. “I was afraid you were gonna say that.”

“Kiri—”

“If I’m being honest, Aki, this last year has been absolute hell for me,” Kirika went on. “Between the Dark Hour and Shadows and Strega and Shinji… It was just a lot of bullshit I never wanted to bother dealing with.” She paused. “I did deal with it, though. And if it hadn’t been for you, I don’t think I would’ve made it through all the way to the very end. I truly believe I would’ve taken off again after Shinji’s death. Or, better yet, after getting shot. But I stuck it out for you. I stuck _around_ for you.” Another thoughtful pause. “Although, I’m still not sure whether I stayed so I could support you, or so you could support me.”

“We’ve supported each other.”

“I know, but still…” She let out a heavy sigh. “Y’know, it was because of you I broke all my rules.” She thought for a moment. “Except the two-month rule; that one I technically broke because of Shinji.” She shook her head, chuckling half-heartedly. That was a stupid thing to bring up. To correct herself on. “Either way, every other rule was broken because of you. And I will forever hate and love you for that.”

He swallowed hard. “Where are you going with this?”

Tch. Where was she going with this? Her mind was racing a mile a minute; even Kirika could barely keep up with it. Persephone kept her on track, though. And without leading her astray.

“I told you from the very beginning,” she started, “that you shouldn’t try to plan a future with someone like me because I’m a flight risk.”

“And…?”

“And…I can’t stay here.” She shook her head again. “I’m sorry, but…I-I can’t just follow you to college like you want me to. I need to let you go and let you do your own thing. You deserve the opportunity to live a normal life.”

“Is this about you thinking you’re not good enough for me?”

“No, it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with me breaking my rules for you.”

“Two minutes ago, you made that sound like it was a good thing.”

Another shamefaced smile. “My rules were based on things I learned from my parents. Not to trust anyone because everyone will betray you. Because everyone always has some ulterior motive. And I’ve finally come to terms with how _stupid_ it was of me to let myself be controlled by two people who never even bothered naming me. Neither of them cared about what could’ve happened to me. All they cared about was the success of their cons. I was so young, though, I—I guess I somehow still wished they would want me. That by taking part in their cons, I could still be a part of their lives.” Kirika paused. “Every child wants their parents’ love and affection. Even when their parents aren’t good people. So, I made those rules to…honour them, in a sense. And now that I know how wrong that was, I need to learn the proper way to live for myself.”

“I could help you.”

_We all learn to make mistakes_

_And run from them, from them_

_With no direction_

_We’ll run from them, from them_

_With no conviction…_

She shook her head. “Over these last few months, Aki, I’ve built this sort of…dependency around you. A-and I can’t live like that. I can’t learn like that. I need to figure out who I am as my own person. But I can’t do that by following you wherever it is you go.”

He nodded. “I understand.”

He gave in way more easily than she had been anticipating. Hell, it almost caught her off guard. “What I need you to understand most is that I—” She needed to choose her words carefully now. “I don’t want this to be a goodbye. That’s actually the last thing I want. I just can’t guarantee when we’ll see each other again. So, until then—” The words caught in her throat. “I’m not running away. I’m running to the person I’m supposed to be. The person I lost sight of all those years ago. I mean, she’s still out there, right? She has to be. So, I need to find her.”

He took this into consideration. “You made a promise to Shinji…” His voice was barely audible.

And there it was. The backlash. “Please, don’t do that. Don’t throw that in my face; it’s not fair.” She let out a heavy sigh. “C’mon, Aki, I don’t want this to end on bad terms. I don’t want this to end at all, but this is just—it’s something I need to do.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” He took a deep breath, recomposing himself. “This is just a little hard for me. I mean, I had been expecting you to end up staying.”

“Well, things don’t always work out the way we plan.” Not that she ever had a plan. Not that falling in love would’ve ever been part of it. Here she was, though. Yet, she was still about ready to say goodbye. “But if you wanna prove to me just how much I mean to you and just how much you love me—like you said—then you’ll let me do this.” She paused, swallowing hard. “You’ll let me go.”

He still refused to meet her gaze. “When do you plan on leaving?” he asked. When she didn’t respond, he finally looked up at her. “You’re leaving now, aren’t you?”

“If I don’t, then I know you’ll come up with a convincing argument to make me stay.”

Now he chuckled, but it was bittersweet. “You just gotta make everything complicated, huh?” He shook his head. “You’re so ridiculous.” He paused, thinking before getting to his feet. “All right. Let’s go. We’ll stop at the dorm so that you can say goodbye to the others, then I’ll walk you to the station.” He turned to leave.

“No,” she said.

He stopped. “No?”

She rose to her feet as well, pulling her shoulder bag closer to her. “I’m not very good at goodbyes. That’s why I asked you to meet me here. And honestly, I almost didn’t even do that, but I figured you at least deserved an explanation. So, I’m gonna need you to tell the others goodbye for me.”

“But…they’ll wanna see you off.”

Without another word, Kirika stepped up to Akihiko, closing the distance between them. Two or three months ago, there would’ve been a hint of hesitation in her step. Not now, though. Not anymore. And when she did step up to him, she kissed him deeply. He wound his arms tightly around her waist, kissing her back almost desperately. And, in that moment, the spark made time stop. It stopped, and the world emptied of every other person. Right then, they were the only two people who existed. And after living through the end of the world and looking death straight in the eye, that said a lot.

“Kiri, I—” he said once they broke apart.

“Don’t say it,” she said. “I already know.” She stepped away from him. “Just like I know, one day, Persephone will lead me back to you. Until that day, though…” Once again, the words caught in her throat. Hell, she really wasn’t any good at goodbyes.

He smiled a sad smile. “I’ll be waiting.”

_Cuz I’m just one of those ghosts_

_Traveling endlessly_

_Don’t need no roads_

_In fact, they follow me_

_And we just go in circles…_

(June 22nd, 2010)

Three months and three cities later, Kirika found herself bleeding in a dark alley. She had been attacked by muggers, willingly giving up her nearly empty shoulder bag to them to avoid any sort of confrontation. Of course, though, they didn’t let her go without first slashing her with a pocketknife. They got her under her right collarbone, but not deep enough to do major damage.

Now she sat still, recomposing herself. Taking deep breaths, adding pressure to her new wound in an attempt to numb the pain. While she still had traces of Persephone within her, it was clear now she wasn’t strong enough to cause any more blackouts when Kirika was harmed.

Once she regained enough energy, she pushed herself to her feet. She tried not to strain her shoulder too much, but it kept twitching involuntarily. She hissed out of pain.

“Pharmacy,” she said under her breath. “I need to find a pharmacy.”

She made her way back onto the open streets, pulling her hoodie closer together to cover up the wound. She didn’t need strangers crowding her. Not that there were many people out and about at this hour. It was past midnight, after all.

Soon enough, she came across a twenty-four-hour pharmacy. She looked towards the one cashier behind the counter, who didn’t seem at all fazed by her presence. Kirika checked down a couple aisles before coming across the first-aid kits. She grabbed one, plus a few extra items. Then she looked back towards the front counter; the cashier was still lazily flipping through their magazine. So, she made her way for the bathroom.

Shit. It was locked.

Well, she couldn’t ask for the key. Then she would have to pay for the first-aid kit, and she couldn’t do that because she had just been robbed. She needed the kit, though. Hmm. She pursed her lips, glancing around. No cameras seemed to be pointed in her direction, so she pulled a pin out of her hair. She carefully slipped it into the lock, turning it ever so slightly. It had been a good long while since she picked a lock, so she wasn’t sure if she still had a knack for it or not. But when the door unlocked, she learned she did.

She opened the door just wide enough to slide inside. She closed it soundlessly behind her, locking it again. She then placed all her items in the sink. She removed her hoodie and pulled her shirt aside to examine the wound. She had been right about it not being deep, but the raggedness of it made it clear that the blade was dull.

She nodded to herself in the mirror. “Okay. I can work with this.”

She took the numbing cream first and spread that around the cut. Then she grabbed the alcohol and dabbed that on it with toilet paper. It still stung, but not as much as it would have without the cream. She then took a deep breath and opened the first-aid kit. Inside was rolls of gauze, tape, antibiotic cream, a needle and some thread. She took the thread, pulling it through the needle’s eye. Then she pulled out a lighter a heated the needle’s point. She looked at herself in the mirror again, swallowing hard before taking another deep breath. Kirika then pushed the needle through her skin.

She made it through the first couple of stitches without much of a problem. Once she got near the centre of the wound, though, the numbing cream began to wear off. She wasn’t able to apply more, so she forced herself to think about other things. And, of course, the first thing she thought about was whether or not this would have happened if she had still been in Iwatodai. Tch. Who was she fooling? There’s no way in hell it would’ve happened. Akihiko never would’ve let her get hurt like this. Ugh. Akihiko. What would he say if he found out about this? As concerned as he’d be, he’d still have been upset with her as well. For multiple reasons. Number one being why she wouldn’t have asked for his assistance.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. “Hello? Is someone in there?”

Kirika’s eyes widened. That had to be the cashier. She finished the last of the stitching and hastily tied off the thread.

“Hello?” the cashier said again. “I don’t know how you got in there, but I’m gonna need you to exit immediately.”

She tossed everything back into the kit, grabbing her hoodie. She then looked towards the window. She stepped onto the toilet and kicked it.

“That’s it,” the cashier went on. “I’m calling the police.”

She kept kicking the window until the glass finally shattered. She popped the screen off and threw her hoodie back on before slipping out the window, cautiously avoiding the broken glass. She didn’t need to stitch another cut so soon.

Once her feet were on the ground, she took off running. And she ran until she was at least five blocks away from the pharmacy. She stopped to catch her breath, pulling the first-aid kit out to double check that everything she needed made it inside. Luckily, she did have everything.

She looked towards the blackened sky, shaking her head. It amazed her how much she still compared her day-to-day happenings to her life in Iwatodai. So far, nothing lived up to it, and that almost frightened her. As much as she missed Akihiko, though, she couldn’t go back. Not yet. It was far too soon. There was still so much for her to learn about the world. About herself. She was only just beginning.

The sound of the sirens filled the air. She looked down the street towards where she had been running from. She threw her hood up and headed for the train station. Guess it was time for her to move on.

_And now I’m told that this is life_

_That pain is just a simple compromise_

_So, we can get what we want out of it…_

(August 11th, 2010)

Five months had passed since Kirika’s departure from Iwatodai. Five months of traveling and Akihiko still somehow managed to track her down. And when he did find her, she was none too happy with him.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked.

“I’m sure it’s what I need to do,” she said. “Are you really having that hard of a time with this?”

“I just… I don’t like the idea of you being on your own again.”

“It’s been five months and I’m still alive.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m fine on my own.”

“What’s that scar on your chest?”

She froze, tracing the scar under her right collarbone. She had almost forgotten that that was visible now with the warmer weather. So, she shook her head. “I dunno. It’s nothing. I caught myself on a broken fence a couple months ago.”

“A fence? Really?”

Now she let out a heavy sigh. “Look, I ain’t gonna ask how you found me, but I am gonna ask that you don’t track me down again.”

“Let me stay with you. I can hold off going to school for a while longer and—”

“That’ll defeat the whole purpose of this, Aki. I mean, hell, I thought I explained it to you. I thought I had made it clear.”

He clenched his jaw. “Yeah, I thought so, too, but then I thought more on it and…” He shook his head. “And I guess I don’t get it, after all. I mean, you said you had built some sort of codependency around me, but I—I just don’t see it. You’re the most independent person I know.”

She paused, pursing her lips. “Y’know, I thought I was the one who needed this, but it seems we could both benefit from it. I told you not to rely on me so much.”

“What’s wrong with depending on someone?”

“Nothing. There is something wrong, though, with relying on someone to be your source of happiness and motivation. It’s…unhealthy. We both need to be able to thrive on our own.” She chuckled sheepishly. “You bring out the best in me, Aki, but,” she lifted her gaze upward, “there’s still a better version of myself out there. And I deserve the chance to find that better version. Just like you deserve the chance to find the better parts of you, as well.”

“But if I bring out the best in you, then wouldn’t it make sense for me to—?”

She shook her head. Both to shut him up and to ignore the fact that maybe he had made a good point. “It doesn’t work like that. And I really need you to stop fighting me on this. Please.”

“I’ll always fight for us.”

“Tch. You’re too damn stubborn for your own good.”

He smiled, but it didn’t last long. “So, this is truly what you want?”

“No. I never said anything about wanting this. But that doesn’t change the fact that I need it. Just like I need you to understand.”

He took a deep breath before nodding his head. “I’m sorry. I tried to understand, but the more I thought about it…the more I missed you.”

She swallowed hard. Hell, he was making this far too difficult for her. “You need to leave, Aki. Go back to Iwatodai. Go home. Live your life. Be normal. Then, when the time is right, we’ll meet again. We’ll find each other.”

“Don’t tell me you truly believe it’ll be that simple.”

“Guess we’ll find out when that day comes.”

“Or doesn’t.”

“If you wanna think that way, fine. Doesn’t change the fact that you need to leave.”

With that, Kirika watched as Akihiko walked away from her. She watched him walk out of her life. He disappeared, leaving her alone. He was gone, and she had no idea when he would show up again. It took just about everything in her not to go after him, too. She knew she couldn’t. She knew she needed this. That this was for the better.

She knew she was only fooling herself.

_Would someone care to classify_

_Our broken hearts and twisted minds_

_So, I can find someone to rely on_

_And run to them, to them_

_Full speed ahead…_

(December 1st, 2010/January 1st, 2011)

Kirika found herself on a train on New Year’s Eve. It was nearing midnight, so she was the only person on the train. Or in that particular car, at least. Not that she minded being alone. After all, she didn’t need to be surrounded by strangers celebrating the coming of the new year. Wasn’t like it actually mattered. It was just another day.

She wasn’t sure where the train she was on was heading. She just bought a ticket, blindly boarding it. She didn’t care where it took her; she just wanted to get out of the city. Maybe go to a nice, quiet town and stay there for a while. Someplace where nothing exciting ever happened. That was what she needed. Somewhere boring. Uneventful.

Soon enough, she realised she was playing with the miniature key around her neck. She stopped, slipping her hands under her thighs. There had been one too many instances where she debated taking the necklace off, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It meant far too much to her. Plus, just the thought of losing it or having it stolen devastated her. The only downfall was that, every time she played with it, her thoughts strayed into the danger zone. She would think about Akihiko and Iwatodai and argue with herself about returning all over again.

Maybe it would be okay to go back now. It had been almost ten months. Maybe that was enough time—No. Ten months did not make up for six years. The timeframes didn’t even come close. She could not let herself go back. Not yet.

Ugh. Kirika pulled her hands from under her thighs to cover her face. She was sick and tired of having the same fight with herself every time she thought about Akihiko for even just a second. It only kept proving to her how much she needed to distance herself from him. How used she had grown to being around him. How dependent she had become of his presence.

Hell, forming an attachment to him had been an adjustment, but growing unattached had turned out to be even harder.

Now she couldn’t help but wonder how he was celebrating the New Year. She wondered if he was with Amada and Kirijo and the others. Or maybe he was spending it alone. Or maybe he was with some girl. There were so many possibilities, and she wasn’t sure which sounded worst. Sure, she wanted Akihiko to move on and find someone better than her, but the idea of him actually being with someone else—The idea of another girl getting to know him as well as she had—

Damn it, why couldn’t she let go? Why did she have to grow so attached? Why did she have to fall in love with him? It only complicated things in the end. It only hurt herself and—It hurt Akihiko. The was the last thing she had wanted to do, and it turned out to be the only thing she couldn’t avoid. And that was why he deserved so much better than a flight risk.

It was 11:59 by the time the train made another stop. That was when she realised just how long the train had been going without making any stops. The previous stop had been at least two hours prior.

A single person boarded, looking at their phone as they did so. That was when he grinned and glanced over at Kirika. “Happy New Year.”

She didn’t respond. Just took a deep breath as she held back an eyeroll. She grabbed her bag from the seat beside her. She hadn’t been planning on getting off the train so soon, but her plans rarely ever followed through all the way. Besides, she wasn’t in the mood to deal with strangers. Especially strange men. So, she shoved past him and got off the train.

Once she made sure everything was in her bag and she adjusted it on her shoulder, she made her way out of the small station. It seemed she had got what she wanted; she was no longer in the city. It almost felt like the country. She looked through the darkness until she found a sign telling her where she was.

“Inaba,” she said under her breath. “Huh.” She looked around a bit more, taking note of how there was no activity in the immediate area. “Hope there’s room for one more person here.”

_Oh, you are not useless_

_We are just…_

(July 24th, 2011)

“You two are here early,” Kirika said to two of the high schoolers she worked with pretty frequently at the department store she had gotten a job at. Retail service wasn’t exactly the best job option for her, but she had been able to arrange a schedule with the general manager that allowed her to work shifts early in the morning or overnight so that she wouldn’t have to deal with as many customers. She wasn’t complaining. “So, what’s that about?”

“Blame this one here.” Yosuke gestured his head towards his silver-haired friend. “He’s like you and prefers to wake up early so the day isn’t wasted.”

She shook her head. “I don’t prefer mornings. I just prefer times with less people.”

“Why is that?” Souji asked.

“Not much of a people-person.”

“Tch.” Yosuke rolled his eyes. “No kidding.”

She sneered at him, although there was no real heat behind it. “Either way, I also enjoy working on my own. Gives me time to think.”

“And what exactly goes on in that enigmatic head of yours?”

She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Wow, Hanamura, that’s a big word for you.”

“No kidding,” Souji said almost mockingly.

“Oh, wow, thanks for that, Partner.”

“Why do you wanna know what I’m thinking about anyway?” she then asked.

“C’mon, if it weren’t for the murder cases, you’d be the biggest mystery here in Inaba.”

She couldn’t help but laugh at this. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Everyone knows who you are, but no one actually knows anything about you.”

“And there’s a reason for that.”

The conversation ended with that. The three of them continued working together for the remainder of Kirika’s shift, chatting only about job-related topics. By the time her shift was over, Yosuke and Souji were due for their breaks. So, the three of them sat together in the Junes rooftop cafeteria before she left for the day.

“Okay,” Yosuke started. “All jokes aside, who is Kirika Nishioka?”

She let out an exasperated sigh, shaking her head at him. “This again?”

“He’s relentless,” Souji said.

“I’m curious,” Yosuke said. “And we’re both good at keeping secrets.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “There ain’t much to tell.”

“I don’t believe that. There’s gotta be something interesting.”

“Hmm.” She thought for a moment, taking a sip of the coffee she had ordered. The last thing she wanted was to talk about herself, but… There was just something about these two kids. Tch. No harm, no foul. “I raised myself,” she started. “Grew up on the streets, for the most part. Made a life for myself in Iwatodai, and then I let it go.”

Souji’s brow furrowed. “Why’d you do that?”

“Because I didn’t know what I had while I had it. I didn’t think—” She stopped herself, unsure of where she had wanted to go with that thought. “I didn’t think things through properly. Which is ironic, really, because I always overthink everything. But then the one time it mattered…” She took a deep breath, shaking the thoughts out of her head. “Either way, let this be a lesson for you two kiddos. If you have something good, don’t let it go. No matter how much it may scare you. Because, chances are, the scarier it is, the better it is. The more meaning it has.”

“Why don’t you just go back?” Yosuke went on after a short pause.

She smiled sheepishly. “I wish it were that simple.”

Simplicity wasn’t an option for Kirika. Hell, she so wished it was, but nothing could ever be simple when it came to her life. Her choices. All she could do was hope she was making the best choice for herself. Trust her better judgement. Sometimes things worked out and other times… Well, mistakes are nothing more than lessons learned. And she had learned a lot of lessons already. She also knew she would learn plenty more. Mistakes were a part of who she was, after all. Or so it seemed.

Kirika could live with that. Live with her past. She was over that by now. And she could live with the mistakes. She was used to those by now. What she couldn’t live with…was the regret.

Maybe one day that would be another lesson she would learn. Just not today.

_Misguided ghosts_

_Traveling endlessly_

_The ones we trusted the most_

_Pushed us far away…_

(September 22nd, 2011)

It took less than a year for Kirika to realise just how close the small town of Inaba was to the city of Iwatodai. She had overheard a couple schoolkids talking about how their class trip would be there, and she almost screamed. No matter how far she tried to get from the godforsaken place, it was like something kept pulling her back to it.

Hmm. Maybe that was a sign.

It was almost seven o’clock in the morning. She was sitting in her small, studio apartment, watching the hands of the clock. It was Akihiko’s birthday, and she had been up all-night debating how she wanted to handle it. Now that she knew Iwatodai was so close, maybe she could go back just for the day. She could visit him. Let him know she was still thinking about him. That she remembered the small details, too. But maybe that would be way too complicated. Maybe once she got back, she wouldn’t want to leave again. Hell, Akihiko probably wouldn’t let her leave again. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing…

There were a lot of maybe’s in her life. She was sick of nothing ever being definite.

She grabbed her bag and took off for the train station. All this traveling was starting to get overrated. Trying to figure out who she was and where she belonged was getting to be overrated. Perhaps she didn’t yet know who she was, but she did know where it was that she belonged. And it wasn’t in some no-name country town. It wasn’t on her own. But it wasn’t in some godforsaken city, either. Where she belonged wasn’t a place. It took her a year and a half to figure that out, but that was okay. Better late than never.

She made it to the station and waited. It was about twenty-five minutes before the train arrived. She boarded, ignoring the knots forming in the pit of her stomach. Whether they were due to nerves or excitement, she wasn’t sure. She didn’t care. She wasn’t gonna be stopped this time. And as the train sped up, she sat back and tried to relax.

There was no turning around now.

_And there’s no one road_

_We should not be the same_

_But I’m just a ghost_

_And still they echo me_

_They echo me in circles_

Perhaps the train hadn’t been the most direct route to Iwatodai, seeing as she had to be rerouted. By the time Kirika finally arrived in the city, it was almost one o’clock in the afternoon. Not that the time mattered.

She stepped off the train and breathed in the familiar crisp air. She took in the familiar surroundings. It had been over a year, but it still felt comfortable. She smiled to herself and made her way towards the strip mall. It was lunchtime, so she figured Akihiko might be celebrating his birthday at his favourite restaurant.

When she reached the beef bowl place, she didn’t go inside. She chose to wait in case any of the others were with him. The last thing she wanted was to cause a scene. So, she sat on a nearby bench and waited.

Soon enough, the door to the restaurant opened, and she watched intently. When she saw a head of white hair step outside, she rose to her feet. But then she noticed Akihiko wasn’t alone. A young woman she had never seen before followed him out of the shop. Both of them stopped outside for a moment before he placed a hand on the small of her back. She leaned into the touch almost instinctively.

Kirika turned on her heel, putting her back to them. She laughed at herself, shaking her head as she threw her hood up. Damn it. How could she have been so stupid? Of course he would’ve moved on by now. That was exactly what she told him to do. So, what the hell had she been thinking? That he would just welcome her back with open arms? Tch. She was such an idiot.

She looked over her shoulder at the two of them. The young woman seemed to be telling a story, for Akihiko was watching her intently, smiling and nodding. As soon as she was done speaking, she began to walk away. Akihiko then looked towards the direction of where Kirika was standing, and she quickly looked away, discreetly tugging at her hood to cover her face more. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping he hadn’t seen her. And after a long moment, she looked back to find they were both gone.

She let out a heavy sigh as she removed her hood. She couldn’t believe she had been so dumb. That she let herself believe this would’ve been a good idea. A good surprise.

After a quick look around, she headed back towards the train station. She would return to Inaba, and from there she would move across the godforsaken country if she had to. Or maybe she would just leave the continent altogether. Maybe that was the only way she’d actually be able to get away from it all. To let go. To find herself. Because she still needed to do that. She still needed to relearn herself. To create herself. To be better than she was when she was five. Eleven. Seventeen. Nineteen.

Damn it. She still wasn’t any better now than she had been two and a half years ago. Eight years ago.

That wasn’t good enough.

She had spent the entirety of her life forgetting her past. Running away from it. Once she remembered it and it caught up to her, she no longer recognised herself. That had been both good and bad. That was because of Akihiko. She didn’t have him anymore, though. She only had herself, and that was her own fault. So, now he needed to fight for herself in a way she never had before. She remembered her past. She accepted her past. Now she needed nothing more than to let it go. She needed to let it stop controlling her. Dictating her. And she understood that she also needed to do that on her own. Akihiko couldn’t save her from this; he had his own life to deal with. His own relationships. So, she would let him go, too. She would be her own burden.

Besides, that was the whole point of Kirika leaving in the first place. For her to separate herself. For her to figure out exactly who she is.


	2. In the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ** Trigger Warning: Minor Violence **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "This Love (Will Be Your Downfall)" by Ellie Goulding

_Who are we to be emotional?_

_Who are we to play with hearts and throw it all away?_

_Oh, who are we to turn each other’s heads?_

_Who are we to find ourselves in other people’s beds…?_

(September 23rd, 2011)

It was just after one o’clock in the morning by the time Kirika made it back to Inaba. She entered her small apartment and right away worked on getting a pot of coffee ready to brew. Once it was all set, she fell onto the old, creaky futon the apartment came equipped with. She let out a heavy sigh. She still couldn’t get over how dumb she had been. How expectant. Hopeful.

Before the coffee could even finish, there was a knock on her door. She let out a soft groan before rolling her eyes, knowing exactly who it was gonna be: Her neighbour from across the hall who had a knack for knowing when she was at her absolute lowest.

She pushed herself to her feet at the sound of the second round of knocking. Though, she also dragged her feet as she made her way towards the door. She held her breath as she answered it, not mentally prepared for the interaction to come.

“G’night, Nishioka,” her neighbour said, almost too cheerfully for the hour it was.

“You’re right. It is night. So, why the hell are you here?”

“Well, I noticed earlier you weren’t home and had just heard you come in, so I thought I’d check on you.”

“I don’t need you checking on me, Adachi.”

Tohru grinned. “It’s not a problem.”

She stopped herself from gritting her teeth. Then she swallowed hard. “Shouldn’t you be at the station with Dojima-san?

“Nah, I don’t do all the same crazy hours.”

“Maybe you should. Maybe then you two could actually get somewhere with this murder case.”

“We’re on the right track, don’t you worry.”

“Oh, I’m not.” She started closing the door on him, but he was sure to stop it. “I’m really not in the mood, Adachi.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

She smiled before shaking her head. “No.”

_Oh, I don’t like the way I never listen to myself_

_I feel like I’m on fire; I’m too shy to cry for help_

_Oh, I don’t think you know me much at all…_

With that, Tohru practically fought his way into the apartment. It didn’t take long before Kirika no longer had the energy to try to keep him out. So, she let him in, but not without making her displeasure noticeable.

He breathed deep through his nose. “Did you make coffee?”

She didn’t respond. Instead, she grabbed two mugs and poured coffee for herself and for her unwanted guest. She handed him one of the cups, and he made himself comfortable on the futon. Then he patted the open spot beside him. This time, she couldn’t hold back the eyeroll.

“So, what’s on your mind?” he prompted once she did sit down, keeping enough space between them. “You look pretty damn beat. Where did you even go?”

She shook her head again. “Nowhere. It doesn’t matter.” She could feel him staring right through her. So, she let out another sigh as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Hell, she wasn’t one to talk about her problems with anyone, but the fact that she was about to talk about her problems with _Tohru Adachi_—the moron sitting next to her—was… It made her feel desperate. Tch. She’d even prefer speaking with the two high school kids she worked with at Junes. At least they were sincere. “This is gonna sound totally lame and pathetic, but…it’s about this guy I used to know.”

She noticed Tohru’s body stiffen out of the corner of her eye. “Oh,” he said.

She swallowed hard, refusing to make eyes contact. “Yeah.” She had a feeling he wasn’t going to respond suitably to that.

“What about this guy?”

“How I seriously screwed things up with him. All because of some bullshit about not knowing who I am or whatever.” She laughed self-deprecatingly. “The more I say it to myself, the more stupid it sounds.”

“That doesn’t sound stupid. It’s important to know who you are.”

“I do know who I am. But at the time… I used my parents as an excuse. Blamed them for being the reason why I had to go. Because my mindset was apparently wrapped around what I had learned from them. That’s bullshit, too, though. As true as it may have been, it would’ve been so easy for me to just unlearn everything they had taught me as a child. There was no reason I had to leave. I just left because I was scared shitless of being with someone.”

“Huh. Sounds complicated.”

“It is. Because I overcomplicate everything.” She pursed her lips. “I went to see him again for the first time in over a year; I was gonna surprise him. It didn’t go how I had imagined, though. And I shouldn’t be surprised by that, but it just hurt a hell of a lot more than I had been expecting it to.”

“Let me guess… He was with another girl?”

She sipped at her coffee for the first time since she poured it. “Yeah.”

“Well,” he put his empty cup down on the small table in front of the futon, “that means it’s time for you to move on, too.”

“You say that as if it’ll be the easiest thing in the world.”

“Don’t overcomplicate it.”

She couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Guess you have a point.” She placed her mug down, as well. She then looked over at Tohru to find that he had moved closer to her. When she looked at him, he smiled. Then he was leaning in even closer to her. And for the first time in over a year, she felt a sharp twinge in her chest. She pushed herself up, stumbling away from the futon. “Whoa, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I thought—”

“No. No, you thought wrong.” She took a moment to catch her breath before pointing to her front door. “Get out.”

“Nishioka, c’mon—”

“Get. Out.”

Tohru got to his feet now. “We’d be so good together.”

“Do not take another step closer to me. Just get out of my apartment.”

His expression darkened, and Kirika felt another twinge her chest. Damn it, this wasn’t good. She looked around the small apartment. After all the rumours she had overheard about the Midnight Channel, she took a few steps away from the TV she had. That twinge in her chest made her feel as if she’d be better off doing so.

“Don’t make me say it again,” she soon spoke up.

He rolled his shoulders, straightening his posture. “Fine.”

He made his way for the front door, and she slowly followed him. As soon as he was on the other side, she rushed for the door, slamming it shut and locking it. She then pushed herself away from it, putting a hand to her pounding heart as she worked on evening out her breathing. She wasn’t sure what that had been about, but she knew that twinge when she felt it.

“Mental note, Persephone,” she said to herself once she caught her breath. “Stay clear of Tohru Adachi.” She swallowed hard, rubbing her chest. “Yet another reason why I never should’ve left Iwatodai. Tch.” She shook her head. “Just my luck.”

_This love is be and end all_

_This love will be your downfall_

_This love is be and end all_

_This love will be your downfall…_

(November 4th, 2011)

Kirika woke up to the sound of rain. That was normal for the town of Inaba, and she had grown accustomed to it. The sound actually soothed her. So, she lay in bed for extra few minutes, just listening. She listened until—

Until she remembered the typhoon.

Her eyes shot open as soon as an image of Akihiko flashed through her mind. Like a streak of lightning. She pushed herself up, a dizzy spell overwhelming her once she was sitting upright. She held her head, closing her eyes again until the spell ceased. Then she ran her fingers through her hair. Rough start to the day. Great.

She managed to get to the mini kitchen without any other issues. She started brewing a pot of coffee before retracing her steps to go to the bathroom. She decided to take a quick shower. Maybe the hot water could wash away all the toxins. The memories. Help her to feel refreshed.

Once she was out of the shower, the coffee had finished brewing. She poured herself a cup but was unable to take a sip before there was a knock on her door. She rolled her eyes before putting the cup down. She then headed to her bedroom first to throw some clothes on. The knocking continued, becoming more intense. More impatient. She threw the used towel aside and headed for the front door. She opened it to discover an unexpected guest on the other side.

The man froze. “You’re…not Adachi.”

Her eyes widened. “Wow,” she folded her arms across her chest, “you really are a damn good detective.”

Dojima rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry.”

She chuckled. “It’s fine.” She then pointed behind him. “Adachi is the apartment on the other side.”

“You haven’t seen him, have you?”

“I try my damnedest not to.”

He seemed as if he was about to inquire about her comment when they were interrupted by the person in question.

“Oh, morning, Dojima-san, sir,” Tohru said, smiling. He looked at Kirika, reaching a hand towards her. “Good morning, Nishioka.”

She shifted away from his touch. “Don’t…do that.” She then cleared her throat. “On that note, I’m gonna head back inside.” She bowed her head at Dojima. “Have a nice day, Detective.” She then slipped back into her apartment, avoiding going near Tohru.

As she closed the door, she heard Dojima say from the other side, “What the hell did you do to that girl, Adachi?”

She held back a laugh before returning to her cup of coffee. She stepped up to the window and watched the rain. It was a little bit on the heavier side, but nowhere near the same as a typhoon. She tilted her head, smiling poignantly. _Have you ever witnessed a storm during the Dark Hour? It’s eerily beautiful_. She shook her head at the memory, her smile slipping away. She then turned away from the window and looked around the small apartment she had been living in for almost a year now.

She had settled.

Upon that realisation, Kirika put her coffee mug down. She rushed into her bedroom and grabbed a bag. She started throwing every item she owned into that one bag. Even after more than a year of traveling, everything she owned still fit into a single bag. That was a good thing, though. She only needed one bag. Just like she needed to get out of this town. She needed to be traveling. To be on her own. Maybe that would make everything right in the world again. Maybe that would stop the reminiscing. The nostalgia.

She wrote up a quick note and plastered it to the outside of the door, sticking the keys to the apartment under the carpet. She then ventured into the rain, making her way for—Hell, she almost started heading for the train station. She had almost forgotten she had a car of her own now. So, she stopped short and turned around to head for her car. The best thing about having a car was the fact that she could literally go anywhere. She was no longer confined to the schedule of a train track.

Once she started driving and was on the open road, she was at a loss for where to go. She had so many more options now. And even with all those options, there was still a voice nagging her about returning to Iwatodai. She couldn’t do that, though. She had learned that the hard way. There was no going back, only forward. So, that’s what she would do. She would keep driving until she was ready to stop. Then she would leave when she was ready to leave. So on and so forth.

Before, she was traveling to run away from her past. To run away from herself. She had nothing to run from anymore, though. Now she could travel just for the sake of traveling. She could travel and actually experience the cities and towns she arrived in. She could—

Hell, she was making it sound a lot better than she knew it would be.

She slammed on the breaks, abruptly stopping the car in the middle of the vacant road and turned the engine off. After sitting in silence for a long moment, Kirika squeezed her eyes shut and just started screaming. She screamed until there was no air left in her lungs. She screamed until she swore her vocal cords gave out.

Silence filled the car once more.

She turned the car back on. She then looked in her rearview and sideview mirrors before continuing to drive. One day, she’ll end up exactly where she needs to be. And when she does, she’ll find exactly what she needs there. Until that day, though, she would drive.

_I’m feeling down about this love…_

(May 14th, 2012)

Despite it being the middle of May, there was still a slight chill in the air. Kirika sat on a cold bench, cigarette between her lips, waiting for the train when she was approached by a stranger.

“Don’t mean to sound creepy,” he started, “but you were sitting out here when I entered that restaurant a couple hours ago and you’re still sitting out here now.”

“Good observation,” she said.

“Do you need help with anything?”

“Does it look like I need help?”

“Looks like you might need a place to stay.” He gestured towards a schedule posted near the bench. “This train ain’t coming again till morning.”

She pursed her lips. “Huh. That’s…inconvenient.”

“C’mon, my apartment isn’t far from here and I have an extra futon.”

She really shouldn’t. She knew damn well it wasn’t a good idea. She knew she should’ve just remained on that cold bench. She would’ve been better off. But, damn it, none of that stopped her from going with the guy.

His apartment was decent-sized. Homey. It was apparent he had been living there for quite some time now. And that he was living alone. As soon as the door closed, he moved to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Kirika stayed by the front door, unsure of where to go. The guy turned and laughed when he saw her.

“Make yourself comfortable,” he spoke up. “There’s plenty of room on the futon.”

“Is that your extra one?” she asked.

“No, I have an actual guest bedroom. My sister visits pretty often, so she told me I needed one.”

“Oh.” She took a seat on the futon. “You have a sister?”

“I do.” He poured two cups of coffee before joining her. “What about you? Any brothers or sisters?”

She shook her head. “Just me.”

He smiled. “You must’ve been spoiled rotten.”

Well, there was something rotten and spoiled about her childhood. “Guess you could say that.”

They sat in silence as they both sipped at and finished their cups of coffee. And when they both placed the mugs down on the table before them, they guy scooted a little closer to Kirika. Her body stiffened ever so slightly.

“I don’t even know your name yet,” he said.

“You don’t need to know it.”

He chuckled low in her ear before brushing her hair out of the way and kissing her neck. She wanted to push him away, but it felt…_nice_. It was a nice sensation. Way better than she had been anticipating. Tch. Maybe this was what it meant to be touch-starved. Deprived of the feeling of another. Even some stranger. Maybe this was what she got for making herself be alone.

Before she knew it, the guy had pushed her so that she was lying flat on her back and he was towering over her. He continued kissing her neck and she welcomed it even though she wanted to feel uncomfortable. Damn it. This wasn’t right. She shouldn’t be allowing this to happen, but—

“Maybe we won’t need the guest bedroom after all,” he soon spoke up. He was breathless and smirking. That smirk should’ve been enough to snap her out of it. “Good thing my bed is big enough for two.”

The rest of the evening passed by in a blur. She was awake—conscious—the entire time, but she couldn’t physically recall what had happened. She _knew_ what had happened, but her mind had almost blocked it all out. Tch. That couldn’t be healthy. Now she was just lying in the stranger’s cold bed while he slept beside her.

Quietly, she slipped out of the bed and gathered her belongings. She then proceeded to sneak out of the apartment. Luckily, she remembered how to get back to the train station from where she was. And as soon as she got there, so did the train. Perfect. For once in her life, something worked out for her. She boarded the nearest car and took a seat away from the few other strangers who were present.

She’d feel the regret from this night sooner or later. Unless she continued blocking it out. But it would still resurface one way or another. She took a deep breath. What the hell was wrong with her? She wished she knew. She wished—

She looked out the window as the train started moving. There were still a few visible stars in what was left of the nighttime sky. Except stars weren’t meant for wishing. They were meant for burning brightly, and then burning out.

_Who are you to make me feel so good?_

_Who are we to tell ourselves that we’re misunderstood?_

_Oh, who am I to say I’m always yours?_

_Who am I to choose the boy that everyone adores…?_

(March 8th, 2013/March 9th, 2013)

“What ya drinking for tonight?” the bartender said as he served Kirika her first drink of the evening.

She took a sip before answering him. “Three-year anniversary.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Boyfriend running late or something?”

“The three-year anniversary of when I ruined my life,” she said. The bartender laughed, and she scoffed at him. “I’m sorry, is my misery amusing to you?”

“Only chicks commemorate shit like that.”

“Wow, big word.”

Now he sneered at her. “Shut up.”

She took a second sip. “You’re right, though. It is dumb. And I’ve been trying so hard to move on for the last two and a half years, but…” Another sip with the shake of her head. “I dunno.” She finished the drink. “Guess I underestimated just how difficult it would actually be.”

“So, it is about a guy?” He laughed as he poured two more shots. “Well, all you gotta do now is find someone better.” He placed one in front of her and held onto the other for himself. “Cheers to that, yeah?” He took his shot.

Kirika eyed her shot momentarily before taking it. She slammed the glass back down on the countertop. “I’m gonna need you to keep those coming until my memory is shot.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Kirika had no issue with drinking. She could hold her alcohol. Drink just about anyone under the table. But drinking until she could no longer remember was a whole other level. And while that had been the plan, her plan never included waking up in some stranger’s apartment.

She sat up slowly, holding her pounding head. She examined the sleeping body beside her to discover it was the bartender. She rolled her eyes, which she instantly regretting doing because it only ended up making the pounding ten times worse. She pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes, taking a deep breath. She then reopened her eyes and checked out her surroundings. The door was on the side farthest from her. Obviously. She turned her body, placing her feet on the chilled floor. That was when she noticed the alarm clock on the bedside table.

4:11am.

She continued moving slowly as she collected her discarded clothing. Yeah, this was not at all how she had planned on the night going. The last thing she ever wanted was to be hooking up with random guys, but… She let out a heavy sigh.

The only thing left she needed to find was her other shoe, but when the body left behind in the bed shifted, she stopped caring about it. She kicked off her other shoe and took off. She stumbled down the short hallway, using the dim lighting from the coming of the new day to see. Finally, she made it to the front door. And as soon as she did, she heard the bedroom door open again. She rushed out of the apartment and bolted down the hallway until she rounded a corner. That was when she stopped to lean against the wall and catch her breath. _This is ridiculous. And there are girls who do this on a normal basis? Ugh. Props to them_. As soon as her breathing evened out, she continued her way out of the complex. Once she was outside the building, she took a good look at it and memorised it, so she knew exactly which one to avoid.

Next time she would just stay home and drink alone.

_Oh, I don’t see a reason why we can’t just be apart_

_Now falling on each other like we’re always in the dark_

_Oh, I don’t think you know me much at all, at all…_

(October 16th, 2013)

“What’s the occasion?” the bartender said after taking her order.

Kirika was reluctant to respond. She eyed the young man guardedly, chewing her bottom lip. “Today is my twenty-second birthday,” she finally decided to answer.

His eyes widened as he placed her drink in front of her. “Don’t tell me you’re celebrating alone?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m not one for celebrating it in general.” She took a sip of the drink. “Just so happened to be passing by, so I decided to stop in for a drink.” Against her better judgement.

“No friends live in the area?”

“Tch. I don’t even live in the area.”

“Oh. Where are you from, then?”

Another small sip. “Nowhere.”

“Look, I get it,” he grabbed a washrag, “if ya don’t wanna tell me—”

“I don’t have a home. I’m a traveler. So, I come from wherever I was last.”

“Well, that sounds pretty exciting.” He wrung the extra soap water out of the rag. “Mind telling me about the places you’ve traveled to?” He started washing the open bar spaces around her.

“I would mind, actually.”

He froze. “No wonder you don’t have any friends.”

She grinned. “I’m glad you’re a quick learner.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

With that, she finished her one drink in peace. And that’s all it was. One drink. As soon as she was done with it, she paid and left. She then returned to her car. She didn’t climb inside it, though. Instead, she climbed onto the hood and laid back. The night sky here in the city was nothing like it was in the small towns she had been to. But it was still pretty. And she watched it until she could no longer feel the warmth of the alcohol.

That was when she got back into her car. By this point, it was close to midnight. There were still some nights when she felt she needed to prepare herself for the Dark Hour, but then it always hit her that that hour no longer existed. That time no longer existed. It was over, and everyone had moved on.

At least, that’s what she told herself with every mile she drove farther and farther away from Iwatodai.

_This love is be and end all_

_This love will be your downfall_

_This love is be and end all_

_This love with be your downfall_

_This love is be and end all_

_This love will be your downfall…_

(February 27th, 2014)

11:17pm.

Kirika couldn’t keep her eyes focused on the road. Her vision kept blurring. Her eyelids drooping. Damn it, she needed a rest stop and she needed it now. Or she at least needed to find a good place to just pull over for a couple hours.

She kept driving, trying her hardest to remain aware of her surroundings. Of the road. Especially with the chance of black ice. Despite the cold, though, she opened the two front windows. Maybe the cold would help wake her up. Refresh her. She also decided to turn on whatever radio station she could find. Maybe the noise would help, too. Except her head kept bobbing until her chin dropped to her chest…

It was the sound of a blaring horn that made her come to. She practically jumped back to life to see bright lights almost directly in front of her. She slammed on the gas, swerving her wheel away from the oncoming vehicle. Before she could find the brakes, though, she felt her car give way to that familiar slip of a patch of ice. She gripped the steering wheel as her own headlights lit up what looked like a—Huh. Why did it look like it was on its side…?

Kirika was suddenly gasping for breath, trying to figure out where she was or what had just happened. She was writhing and thrashing her body, trying to sit up, but she was being held down by some unknown force. The ground below her was rough and frozen and it smelt of…pavement? Pavement. Shit. That’s right. Her car. The lights. The ice.

She had been in an accident.

“Miss?” a female voice said from above her. She blinked a few times until her eyes were able to focus on the EMT. “Can you feel this?” She lightly squeezed her arm.

Kirika struggled to get the words out. Hell, she was still struggling to catch her breath. How long had she been unconscious for?

“Miss?” the EMT said again.

“Yes, yes, I can feel,” she finally managed to speak up.

“Good. What about this?” She continued squeezing random parts of her body. Kirika felt every touch. “Well, that’s a good sign, at least. A miracle, really.”

A stretcher was brought over to her and another two EMTs carefully picked her up and placed her on it. They rolled her to the ambulance.

“This isn’t necessary,” Kirika said. “Please, I’m fine.”

They lifted the stretcher into the ambulance. “We have to take you to the hospital to check for any possible broken or fractured bones or concussions,” the older of the two men said. “Protocol, miss. Especially since you had to be revived.”

“Re-revived?” she repeated, her voice cracking. Holy shit. She hadn’t just been knocked out. She had been _dead_. She shook her head. “I’m fine,” she said again, sitting up.

“You need to lay down, miss,” the second EMT said. “This was a severe crash. You could have internal bleeding.”

“Please cooperate with us, dear,” the female EMT spoke up. “At least until we get to the hospital.”

Kirika shook her head more. “No. I-I don’t need this.” She swung her feet off the stretcher. “I’m fine.” She stood up and the whole ambulance started spinning. She held her head in her head as she tried to overcome the spell. When she found she couldn’t, though, she sat back down. And after a moment, she started crying.

This was real. She had almost just died and the only thing she wanted—The only person she wanted—She was alone. She was on her own. And it was all too real now.

_This love is not what you want_

_This heart will never be yours…_

(August 29th, 2014)

“All right, what are we celebrating tonight?” the bartender said as soon as Kirika took a seat before her.

“Three things,” Kirika started. “One, are bartenders taught to greet their customers with any variation of that question? Two, you seriously have no idea how relieved I am that you’re a chick. Three, I am celebrating my first drink after rehab.”

The bartender nodded. “I suppose it is common to greet our customers with a question like that. Uhm, thank you, I’m relieved that I’m a chick, too. And, uh, what kind of rehab, exactly?”

“Physical. I was in this really bad accident back in February. Broken ribs, fractured skull, concussion. The whole nine yards. They even had to revive me on the scene.” She thought for a moment. “And I’m pretty sure my car flipped.”

“Had you been drinking?”

“Nope. I hadn’t slept for about four days straight, and then slipped on black ice.”

Her eyes widened at this. “How the hell do you do stay up for that long?”

“Years of practice.”

“Okay. Well, cheers to being alive.”

With that, Kirika ordered a drink and the bartender served her. Then the bartender went on to serve a few other customers before rounding back to her with a second drink, and soon a third. That was when she was approached by a young man.

“Hey, couldn’t help but overhear your story about the accident earlier,” he said. “That’s pretty phenomenal.”

She smiled impassively. “Cool.”

“Can I buy you a drink?”

She held up the one in her hand. “Already got one.”

“Can I buy you another one, then?”

She blinked blankly. “No.”

“C’mon, don’t pretend I haven’t noticed.” He smirked nastily. “You’ve been making eyes at me all night.”

“This is literally the first I’ve seen you all night.” Better yet, she was still refusing to look at him.

His grin dropped, having been replaced by a sneer. “What is your issue? Just let me buy you a drink.”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Then where’s he at?”

“He’s a cop. So, he’s on patrol, looking for pricks like you.”

He sneered again before walking away from her. That was when the bartender checked up on her once more. “You handled that pretty well.”

“Sadly enough, I’m used to it.”

She smiled. “Is your boyfriend actually a cop?”

“Tch. No.”

Now she laughed. “Talk about a power move. Here.” She refilled her drink. “Have one more on the house. After this, though, you should call it quits.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” She returned the smile. “Thanks.”

So, she finished her current drink. She then left her money on the countertop and thanked the bartender one last time before heading out. She made it maybe half a block away from the bar before getting overwhelmed by a bad feeling. She looked around the immediate area. The streets were mostly empty, which was expected at this hour. Kirika then took a deep breath and shook off the feeling. As she walked past an alleyway, though, she was suddenly grabbed from behind and dragged into the shadows of the backstreet. She tried to scream, but the sound was muffled by the hand covering her mouth. Soon enough, she was shoved to the ground.

“You always such a bitch?” a male voice said.

She rolled onto her back to see the guy from the bar looming over her. “And you said I’m the one with the issue.”

“Well, if you had just let me buy you a drink—”

“The hell do you want from me?”

“I just want my dignity back.”

“Don’t you dare touch me.”

He smirked another _ugly_ smirk. “Too late to fight back now.”

She scrambled to get back to her feet, but he kicked her right in the gut before she could. Once she was down, he kicked her again, knocking the air out right of her lungs. He then dropped to his knees, straddling her as he wrapped his hands around her neck. She held her breath on her own as she attempted to pull his hands away from her. They wouldn’t budge, though, and she couldn’t keep holding her breath. She gasped a few times, taking deep breaths, but that only made the guy squeeze her neck tighter. She decided to go for another tactic and spit right in the guy’s face. He released his grip on her and she shoved him back by hitting his chest, and then punched him in the neck. That knocked him off her enough to give her space to scoot away from him. She then managed to get back on her feet and she made a run for it, despite the pain in her ribs. She’d been through worse, after all. She didn’t make it far, though, before a hand grabbed at her ankle. She fell face-first onto the pavement, slamming her head on the unforgiving ground. Then she was rolled over by what felt like a foot. Her vision was spotty, dots of light getting in the way, but she could still make out the guy towering over her. He spit on her face before walking out of the alley. Kirika wiped the spit off herself before closing her eyes, succumbing to the darkness of her unconscious.

_This love is be and end all_

_This love will be your downfall…_

(March 8th, 2015)

This was getting to be the norm. Kirika laying half-beaten in some alleyway in the middle of the night. She should’ve learned by now. Learned not to go drinking alone. Or at all. No matter how many times she told herself that she would start drinking on her own and in her own place, though, she never did. She always found herself going out.

The evening started just like any other. It had been five years since she left, so she went out to commemorate it, as she typically always did. It wasn’t meant to be a joyous event. And it never was. In fact, it never ended well. For multiple reasons.

The biggest reason: The company was never any good. That was a given considering her current condition.

She lay completely still, collecting herself. Recomposing herself. She was still conscious, which was as good a sign as any. Although, the pounding in her head wasn’t. Damn it. She couldn’t admit herself to _another_ hospital. She just couldn’t. The doctors were gonna start thinking she was allowing this to happen. That she was purposely putting herself into these godforsaken situations. She wasn’t, of course. Guys were just jackasses.

Well, not all guys. But she let go of the one who wasn’t. So maybe this sort of treatment was exactly what she deserved. Maybe this was karma.

She finally found the strength to push herself into an upright position. Her head rolled, causing the pounding to intensify. There was no doubt in her mind she had yet another concussion. Ugh. It was a miracle she was even still alive with all the instances her brain had been knocked around at this point. A miracle she could still think coherent sentences and thoughts.

Getting herself back to her feet was a whole other issue in and of itself. She could barely feel her legs. They weren’t numb, which was good, but there was definitely a weird tingle in her feet that hadn’t been there before. That probably wasn’t so good. Shit. She couldn’t even begin to describe just how much she _didn’t_ want to go to a hospital. But she was almost positive she was covered in blood, so some stranger was bound to say something to her. To call for help.

She took a few steps towards the open sidewalk before collapsing to her knees. Yeah, that tingling in her feet _stung_. It definitely wasn’t normal. It was painful. Maybe even more so than the pounding in her head. Huh. Yeah. Maybe someone calling for help wouldn’t be such a terrible thing, after all.

_This love is be and end all_

_This love will be your downfall_

(September 22nd, 2015)

That evening, Kirika chose to stay in. And this time, she was actually gonna stay true to that desire. Tch. With everything that had happened to her over the last few years, she was starting to believe she’d be better off as a shut-in. She had even started taking self-defence classes. Better late than never.

That was all beside the point, though. The point was that it was a solemn day. A day she had yet to be able to forget.

She brewed a pot of coffee, pouring whiskey into once she poured herself a cup. Then she curled up on the futon in the middle of her in-the-moment apartment. That was what she was starting to call these places. She rarely ever lived in them for longer than six months. Some she only lived in for two or three. These were places where she could sleep with a roof over her head, but they were nowhere near being considered a home. At this point, she was beginning to believe she would never have a home. Damn it, she should’ve just stayed in Inaba. Or, better yet, in Iwatodai.

If she were in Iwatodai still, she’d most likely be celebrating Akihiko’s birthday with him. That is, if he wasn’t busy working. She figured he’d be the workaholic type. There were a lot of things she figured about him when she had had a couple drinks. But the thing she did most when she had had a few drinks was miss him.

It was getting harder and harder for her to believe that this was for the better. It was also getting harder and harder for her to believe that they would meet again someday. And if they did… Well, she already knew they wouldn’t be able to make it work. Too much had changed. Even if her feelings hadn’t.

Once she was at least four drinks deep, she sat on the futon fiddling with the miniature key around her neck. The last connection she had. The only connection she couldn’t bring herself to remove. Huh. She then picked up her phone and stared at the black screen. She wasn’t sure why; it’s not like she had a phone number she could reach Akihiko at. She wasn’t even sure if he was still in Iwatodai or not. It had been over five years, after all. Hell, he could be married by now, for all she knew. He could be living his happiest life with the girl of his dreams. That is what she told him to do. She told him to move on. To find someone better than her. Someone more worthy of his love. Someone who actually deserved him. So, why wouldn’t he have done just that? Meanwhile, she was getting the shit beaten out of her by pricks she refused to sleep with.

Tch. Sounds about right.

She let out a heavy sigh, dumping the rest of the coffee out into the sink. She was tired. She longed for someone she could curl up in bed with. Someone who would hold her close as she fell asleep. Someone who would keep her safe. She gave that someone up, though. And now she had to live with that. She had to live with her mistakes. The regret. With the memories of her lost love.

She had to live without Akihiko.


	3. Black and White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

_I don’t know what I’ve done_

_Or if I like what I’ve begun_

_But something told me to run_

_And, honey, you know me, it’s all or none…_

(September 23rd, 2016)

Kirika opened her eyes with a gasp of breath, though she remained still in her bed. She stared into the darkness as she thought back on the dream. The nightmare. The very same one she always had. The one to remind her exactly what she had suffered through over the last few years. Tch. Not that she needed the reminder.

She turned her head to check the time. For a split second, she could’ve sworn she saw the figure of a person lying beside her. A silhouette. A shadow. She squeezed her eyes shut and reopened them to confirm she was truly all alone. She swallowed hard before rolling towards the edge of the empty bed. She pushed herself up a little to get a better look at her alarm clock.

3:07a.

She fell flat with a heavy sigh. She hated these nights. The restless nights. The lonesome nights. She was always alone, but there was something different about the loneliness after waking up from those awful dreams. Luckily, nothing like that had happened to her for at least a year now; since she arrived in Okina. Not that that stopped the memories from surfacing. With all the scars, though, it was hard to forget.

Ever since she had arrived in Okina, things had been…routine. She discovered the quaint city after unintentionally returning to Inaba. She had decided it was time for her to finally stop all her traveling, but she didn’t want to remain in the small, country town. That was when she came across Okina, and she fell in love with the small city right away. She even felt a twinge of approval from Persephone. A rare feeling nowadays.

The routine had been a relief at first. Kirika spent all her time and put all her energy into finding a place to live. Then she figured out how she would make a living, narrowing it down to bartending. Ironically. The classes were on the cheaper side, though. Only twice a week for ten weeks. That was something she could do. So, she did. Sure, it wasn’t her dream job, but it was still a means to an end. Plus, it got her bills paid on time.

It wasn’t long before the relief of a routine faded, though. That was when the emptiness set in. When the nightmares began.

Upon her arrival in Okina, she had felt at peace with herself. Hell, she truly believed she had finally discovered the place where she would revive herself. Where she would put the pieces together and solve the puzzle once and for all. That would’ve been far too easy, though. Because, with each passing day, she only felt more lost than ever before.

Maybe that initial feeling hadn’t been peace. Maybe Kirika had just grown so tired, it was like she had subconsciously decided it was no longer worth it to keep trying. She refused to give up, though. Yeah, she was definitely exhausted, but she would fight through the fatigue. She would continue fighting because it was worth it. Because, after all this time, it was what she deserved.

As for tonight, though, she would stay awake. Those damn nightmares always screwed with her sense of security.

She looked towards the empty side of the bed again. She tried to imagine someone lying beside her. To imagine not being alone. Maybe she was still in the worst part of the dream. Maybe she still needed to wake up. Tch. If only that was the case. But it wasn’t. She was on her own. Her only company was that of the shadows.

_There were sounds in my head_

_Little voices whispering_

_That I should go, and this should end_

_Oh, and I found myself listening…_

4:49a.

Kirika was still wide awake. She thought—hoped—that maybe if she continued to lay in the darkness, she would grow tired again. No luck. If anything, she was only more awake now.

Her hand soon found its way to the pendant around her neck. She traced the outline of the key. An action that had become second nature to her. An action that always seemed to calm her racing heart. So, she closed her eyes… _You keep the key and I keep the box. That way we’ll always be connected_. Her eyes shot back open and she sat up with a start. Another unwanted memory. She’d like to say she hadn’t thought about it in six and a half years, but that was a blatant lie.

With that, she crawled out of bed and stumbled her way to the kitchen. She turned on the light over the stove—a stove she rarely ever used—and pulled out her coffee pot. Nothing like coffee at five o’clock in the morning. Yet, at this point, she could assume she wouldn’t be sleeping. No matter what.

Once the coffee was made, she poured herself a cup and took a seat at the table. She sat with her feet on the chair, so that her knees were at her chest. Her free arm wrapped around her knees as she sipped at the black coffee. It was quiet, and she hated that. But, of course, it was what she was used to. Silence. It came with the territory.

After her third cup of coffee, she somehow still felt exhausted. She couldn’t decide if that was bad or good, either. Well, she was actually sure it was bad, but…

She seemed to be nodding off while sitting at the table but jolting back awake. She would then shake her head and the cycle would repeat. She finished her current cup of coffee and placed the mug on the table. Her eyes grew heavy and, suddenly, there was a weight on her shoulders… _I want to prove to you just how much you mean to me. I want to prove just how much I love you_. Now she was on her feet, more alert than she had been all night.

“Damn it, the hell is going on?” she said to herself. She placed the heels of her palms to her temples. “Ugh. Get out of my head.” She squeezed her eyes shut as she took a couple deep breaths, trying to calm down. Then her hands dropped back to her sides. “I can’t. I can’t deal with this right now.”

She poured the last of the coffee but remained on her feet. She walked around the small kitchen, keeping her thoughts occupied with anything that had to do with the present. So, she planned out her schedule for the day to come. As much as she hated it, maybe she could go grocery shopping first thing in the morning. After all, she wasn’t due in for work until four o’clock in the evening. Yeah. Yeah, that sounded good.

She placed the mug in the sink before returning to her room. She stood in the doorway, feeling the darkness shift and settle around her. Usually, the sight of her empty bed was the most comforting thing in the world. Now, though, it was unwelcoming. Hmm.

Maybe she would just spend the rest of the night on the futon.

_Cuz I don’t know who I am_

_Who I am without you_

_All I know is that I should_

_And I don’t know if I could stand_

_Another hand upon you_

_All I know is that I should_

_Cuz she will love you more than I could_

_She who dares to stand where I stood…_

(September 24th, 2016)

Kirika was sitting on her futon, staring intently at the coffee table. The chain and key were resting on it. Just a normal chain and a—somewhat—normal key, but they held so much meaning to her. So much so that this was only the second time she had taken the necklace off since it had been given to her. And now she couldn’t bring herself to put it back on. Now it just felt like an anchor to her past. A simple object that was only holding her down. Keeping her from moving any further.

She thought back to the time of her memory lapse. The month, so long ago now, when she had traveled to at least thirteen different towns. The month that led her away from Iwatodai only to bring her back. That had been Persephone’s fault, really. When Kirika had woken up with none of those memories, she didn’t take even a second to think over leaving. She just took off. Persephone, on the other hand, hadn’t wanted her to go. That was part of why she tried so hard to get Kirika to return. And she had won that battle. Kirika found her way back to the city, and then her memories were restored.

Except now she no longer had Persephone’s guidance.

Sometimes she couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if she had never gone back. Would her memories have still been restored at some point? Or would she have permanently forgotten everything? Would she have woken up one morning a year down the road with the sudden urge to return to Iwatodai again?

She also couldn’t help but believe she would’ve been better off never having remembered in the first place. Then she could’ve gone on living her life as if nothing ever happened. Sure, there’d be a few mysteries about her. The necklace. The scars. The odd dreams. She could’ve lived with all that, though. She would’ve been okay with those mysteries. What she wasn’t okay with was the regret and guilt building up deep inside her. It was flooding her mind at a rapid pace, and she felt as if she was drowning.

If she had never returned and never remembered… Maybe things would’ve been better off for _him_, too. She had no idea what he was up to now, but maybe not seeing her again after the incident would’ve made moving on easier for him. Maybe it would’ve hurt less. Or maybe it only would’ve hurt more because he never would’ve received the closure he deserved. Hell, she still wasn’t sure if she had given him the closure he deserved.

She let out a heavy sigh, leaning back against the futon. After a few more moments passed by, she grabbed the necklace off the table and clasped it back around her neck. Despite the—probably imaginary—weight it put on her shoulders, she felt naked without it. She felt empty.

Perhaps the necklace acting as an anchor wasn’t such a bad thing after all. Maybe… _I trust you_. Maybe using it to keep her in place was exactly what she needed.

_See, I thought love was black and white_

_That it was wrong, or it was right_

_But you ain’t leaving without a fight_

_And I think I am just as torn inside…_

(September 28th, 2016)

It was almost difficult for Kirika to believe she used to never let anyone in. Well, she was still pretty bad at letting people in. She’d been working with the same people for over six months now and she had never spent time with any of them outside of work. They barely knew anything about her. Every time one of them tried getting close to her, the urge to run took over. She refused to run, though. Of all the habits she needed to break, that was the most important one. The one she needed to break first. And she had broken it…

That’s what she told herself, at least.

Okay. So, she was still bad at opening up to people. But _he_ messed everything up for her. He changed everything in the worst way. The best way. He infuriated her with his total lack of consideration. Sometimes he just didn’t get when to leave well enough alone. Yet, at the same time, he charmed her with his stubbornness. He was always willing to fight for her; he refused to give up. Then again, that had been infuriating at times, as well. But none of that stopped her from—Hmm. Did she truly still feel that way about him? Even after all these years?

Tch. Did she really even have to ask?

Six and a half years. She couldn’t decide what had changed in the last six and a half years. She felt as if everything had changed, yet nothing had changed at the same time. Maybe she had changed. Not for the better. If anything, she had relapsed to her old self. The girl she had been before Iwatodai. Before breaking all her stupid rules. The girl she had been trying to avoid turning back into. After all, the whole reason she left was to find the better part of herself.

So far, the only thing she had discovered was malice. The world was unkind. The people in it were cruel. And through all that bullshit, she only learned new ways to hide. Didn’t help that she no longer had Persephone to defend her.

Of course, she hadn’t been expecting it to be easy. For once, though, Kirika knew what it was she wanted, and it was so simple. She just wanted to be happy. Especially after the bullshit she had suffered through because… Well, it was ridiculous. It was unwarranted. Or…maybe it was her karma for leaving. Maybe it was karma for being separated from him for so long. _I’ll be waiting_. She had told him she didn’t want the departure to be goodbye. And she had meant it.

_Cuz I don’t know who I am_

_Who I am without you_

_All I know is that I should_

_And I don’t know if I could stand_

_Another hand upon you_

_All I know is that I should_

_Cuz she will love you more than I could_

_She who dares to stand where I stood…_

(September 29th, 2016)

Leaving Iwatodai was the hardest thing Kirika ever had to do. But she left because she had overstayed her welcome. She left because everything was done and over with. And that had been her initial plan. Hell, she left for a multitude of reasons, but she no longer felt she could justify any of them.

That was exactly why she found herself sitting outside the Okina train station. It was the last place she wanted to be, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. So, she just sat on the same bench for hours and watched the trains as they arrived and took off. She watched, and she longed to be aboard them.

She needed a change of scenery. A fresh perspective. She needed a small town where no one knew her name. She needed to feel insignificant again. Like she didn’t matter. Damn it. She actually missed being unknown to the world around her. She missed feeling as if she didn’t exist. She missed being a stranger with no sort of emotional attachments to anyone or anything. She shouldn’t have missed it, but she did.

Leaving Iwatodai was the hardest thing Kirika ever had to do. Except now. Now, staying in Okina was the hardest thing she ever had to do. Because, all at once, she remembered why she spent so much time traveling. Running. And it was to keep her mistakes from catching up with her. The last thing she wanted was to live on her own with the mistakes of her past haunting her. Taunting her.

The pain was almost surreal. All because she grew attached to a single person. She grew attached, and then she had to say goodbye. No. She forced herself to say goodbye. She hated goodbyes. But if she left Okina right at that moment, she wouldn’t feel obligated to say goodbye to anyone. She could take off again and not regret a single thing.

Damn it. She couldn’t keep doing this to herself. She had to face her past eventually. She had to come to terms with her mistakes. Accept them. So that meant she couldn’t leave. She couldn’t run. And staying in Okina was the hardest thing Kirika ever had to do.

_And I won’t be far from where you are_

_If ever you should call_

_You meant more to me than anyone_

_I ever loved at all_

_But you taught me how to trust myself_

_And so, I say to you_

_This is what I have to do…_

Once she made it back to her apartment, Kirika looked around the small living space. She had spent the last year of her life here. One year, yet it had already felt like an eternity. It didn’t feel like home, though. Every single day, it only felt emptier.

Except now.

It was like a revelation. All of a sudden, it was filled with a new atmosphere. It was filled with the essence of the new life she had created for herself. A life she never realised she needed. The life of a normal girl. Just like she had always wanted.

Except something was still missing.

Her fingers covered the key that hung around her neck. _You’re worth the risk_. She smiled to herself, closing her eyes. “Maybe not today, but,” she broke through the silence, “one day. And when that day comes, I’ll stop running. I promise.”

_Cuz I don’t know who I am_

_Who I am without you_

_All I know is that I should, oh…_

(October 1st, 2016)

Kirika found herself at the grocery store that afternoon, seeing has she had never made it there when she originally planned to go. And that meant she basically had no food in her apartment. So, she was only grabbing the essentials. She really did hate grocery shopping and didn’t want to spend too long amongst so many strangers.

It was when she was waiting in line at the check-out that she found herself staring. She wasn’t staring off into space or anything, either, but rather staring at someone. And the only part of the stranger she could focus on was his head of white hair… _Holy shit, it can’t be_…

“Excuse me,” a young woman said to her, bringing her back to reality.

Her brow furrowed. “Yeah? Can I help you?”

“You sure as hell can stop gawking at my boyfriend.” She gestured to the guy with the white hair.

She shook her head. “It’s not like that. He just reminds me of—He looks a bit like someone I used to know.”

“Well, he’s taken.”

“Good thing I ain’t interested, then.”

The young woman scoffed at her before walking away and returning to her boyfriend. Kirika continued to discreetly watch them until the guy finally turned around. And when she saw his face—so unlike the face she had been thinking of—it was like a weight lifted off her shoulders. But why? Why the hell did she feel so relieved? Was she relieved over the fact that the stranger wasn’t _him_? Or was she relieved he wasn’t dating someone new? Then again, how could she possibly know the latter for sure?

Whatever it was, the couple was now ogling her. The young woman shooting daggers in her direction while the guy looked as if he thought Kirika was crazy. So, she quickly paid for her items and left. The last thing she needed was those two making a scene in public due to her reminiscent imagination.

Once she returned to her apartment, she put the groceries away and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Then she curled up on the futon with a book. Maybe some light reading would help keep her mind occupied.

She barely made it a couple pages into the chapter before she got distracted by the odd sense that someone was watching her. She lifted her head and looked around. She was alone. Just like always. Except she caught something out of the corner of her eye. Looking towards the short hallway, she watched the way the shadows seemed to sway. She then took a deep breath as a shudder ran through her body. She was definitely alone, but she no longer felt like it. She felt a certain…warmth. She felt—_I’m done letting you always walk away from me_. Kirika jolted at how prominent his voice sounded just then. Almost as if he was sitting right beside her. It was only a memory, though. How could it have been so clear?

Then again, as of late, everything that once made sense to her was suddenly nothing but a jumbled mess. Whereas everything that should’ve been a jumbled mess, almost made perfect sense. Six and a half years ago, she would have blamed Persephone for that. Hmm. Maybe she still could blame her. After all, Kirika still felt a twinge of her presence every so often. And she did always have a way of twisting and turning everything upside down at the most inconvenient moment. In the end, though, it always somehow became a convenience.

Now it was only a matter of time.

_And I don’t know if I could stand_

_Another hand upon you_

_All I know is that I should_

_Cuz she will love you more than I could_

_She who dares to stand where I stood, oh…_

(October 4th, 2016)

Kirika stepped into her apartment, closing and locking the door behind her. She tossed her keys onto the coffee table and moved into the kitchen. She opened the fridge, leaning over to scan the remnants. Hmm. Her last shopping trip was just the other day and there already wasn’t much left. Guess she hadn’t gotten as much as she originally thought. Oh well. It was too late to go out anywhere. Not that she wanted to go out. So, she grabbed a beer and called it a night.

She fell onto the futon with a heavy sigh. She then grabbed the remote, turning the small television on. It was on the news station, which wasn’t anything new. She pretty much only ever watched the news…when she did watch TV, that is. A bad habit she formed to fill the silence.

“The time is now 12:15,” the reporter said, “on October fourth—”

She raised an eyebrow. “October fourth, huh?” She nodded, pursing her lips. Then she lifted her beer can. “Tch. Cheers.”

She let out another sigh as she put the can down on the coffee table. She covered her face before running her hands through her hair. Seven years since the incident. Six and a half years since she left. Damn it… She kept reminding herself of that number all of a sudden. That timeframe. So, she left that life behind six and a half years ago. So what? What the hell did it matter?

Of course it mattered.

It mattered because, after six and a half years, she was still on her own. She was living in a vacant apartment. Felt almost too big for just her. And that new atmosphere… That so-called revelation… Well, maybe the apartment was filled with that refreshing essence, but Kirika sure as hell wasn’t. She was nothing.

Nothing more than an empty shell of an empty girl.

_She who dares to stand where I stood_

She had made a promise to herself and it was somehow already getting difficult to keep it. And that was frustrating. It was disheartening. It was—It was typical. Expected. After all, Kirika had made quite a few promises in the past. She couldn’t remember an instance of ever keeping any of them, either. Maybe she did for a little while—_you’d have to stick around to keep that promise_—but it never lasted. Sooner or later, the promise was broken. It ended up as nothing more than an open threat.

This time, she couldn’t let that happen. This time, she had to find a way to keep her self-made promise. She couldn’t let herself down; she didn’t want to disappoint herself. She wanted meaning back in her godforsaken life. She wanted purpose. For once, she actually wanted to matter to the world. To someone.

She didn’t want goodbye to mean forever.


	4. Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used: "Red" by Taylor Swift
> 
> Y'know, cuz of the sweater vest x3

_Loving him was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street_

_Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly_

_Loving him was like trying to change your mind once you’re already flying through the freefall_

_Like the colours in autumn, so bright, just before they lose it all…_

(October 5th, 2016)

“Hey, you look like absolute hell,” Rikona greeted Kirika as soon as she arrived at the bar that evening. She was the other main bartender and the person she had been working closest with over the last eight or so months. “Everything okay?”

“Tch. Thanks,” she said. She moved behind the bar, placing her belongings in one of the empty cubbies and grabbing her apron.

Emi stepped up to the bar with her basket of folded napkins she had been placing at the tables. “Well? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“No?” Rikona grinned. “Did you have company?”

She shot her a glare. “What do you think?”

“I think you need a man in your life.”

“Give her a break,” Emi said. “Just because you go on a date with every guy you serve a drink to, doesn’t mean Kirika needs to do the same.”

“Hey, I resent that.” She shook her head as the waitress then continued to set the napkins. “Besides, it wouldn’t kill the girl to go on a single date now and then.”

Kirika grabbed a rag to wipe down the bar. “I’m not interested in dating.”

“Clearly. Plenty of guys have come through here and flirted with you. Have none of them been good enough? Do you have, like, ridiculously high standards or something?”

“No, it ain’t anything like that.” She let out a heavy sigh. “I’m just trying to figure out who I am as my own person. And I can’t be in a relationship during this process or else I feel like I might lose sight of myself instead.”

Emi’s eyes widened a bit as she stopped again. “Wow. Even I have to admit, that was a lot deeper than I had been expecting.”

“Seriously,” Rikona said. “What the hell kind of trauma have you gone through in that secretive past of yours?”

Kirika shook her head, chuckling self-deprecatingly. “Trust me, you don’t wanna know even the half of it.”

“Good evening, ladies,” they were then greeted by a young man. His gaze landed upon Kirika and he winked. “Nishioka. Got any specials for me tonight?”

She rolled her eyes. “Ain’t in the mood, Natsuo.”

“C’mon, babe, you’re never in the mood.”

“Do not call me that.”

He smirked. “It’ll grow on ya.” With that, he headed into the kitchen.

“You don’t owe me anything,” Rikona spoke up, “but promise me one thing.”

Kirika raised an eyebrow at her. “What’s that?”

“Whenever you are ready to start dating, stay far away from that prick.”

Now she laughed. “Way ahead of you.”

“I can’t believe you put up with his gross antics,” Emi said. “I mean, he’s practically been harassing you since day one.”

“I’ve dealt with worse.” She paused, reminiscing. Flinching. “Way worse.”

“O-oh.”

Another pause. “And for the record, maybe I do have high standards. Not intentionally, though. Just, y’know, there was a guy once and—” She stopped herself. _What am I doing? Now is not the time_. “Never mind.”

“Hold up,” Rikona said. “You can’t start telling us something like that and—”

Kirika wasn’t getting into this now. “C’mon, we gotta finish prepping for the night ahead of us.” She tossed the dirty dishrag aside. “Let’s go.”

The conversation wasn’t pursued any further. Instead, Kirika focused on the task at hand. After all, she needed to keep her mind occupied now more than ever before. She couldn’t be thinking about events of the past; she needed to keep herself in the present. Otherwise she’d never be able to move on to the future.

_Losing him was blue like I’ve never known_

_Missing him was dark grey, all alone_

_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met_

_But loving him was red_

_Loving him was red…_

(October 6th, 2016)

“All right. What the hell is up with you tonight?” Rikona prompted halfway through the still young night. “You’re usually on top of things, but you seem super distracted.”

Kirika shrugged her shoulders as she wiped down a spot at the counter where a customer had just finished. “Got a lot on my mind lately.”

That was an understatement. Her whole idea of not thinking about the past was already not working out in her favour. Because, all of sudden, she felt as if it interfered with the dumb promise she had made to herself. So now she found that she couldn’t stop thinking about the past. It was like every emotion and every memory was suffocating her.

“Well, step up your game,” Rikona went on. “Some people are starting to complain.”

Kirika scoffed before going back to work. Rikona was right, though; she was noticeably unfocussed. She kept messing up drinks and spelling them, and then she either made them wrong or served them to the wrong customer.

“Y’know, Nishioka, we’re having a pretty slow night,” Rikona soon said. “Why don’t you go home? Emi and I can handle it from here.”

She shook her head. “I don’t need to be sent home. I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

She paused, swallowing hard. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“There’s literally five people here. I think we’ll manage. Go home. Put that mess of a mind at ease.”

That was all it took for Kirika to take her leave. She made her way back to her apartment, her hands firmly inside her coat pockets. It was chilly, even for October. _Put that mess of a mind at ease_. Tch. Easier said than done. It’d be a miracle if she could actually put herself at ease. A farfetched miracle. Unrealistic.

She stopped in her tracks, putting a hand to her heart. Maybe Persephone was still more active than she originally believed. Maybe she was putting her through her paces. Why now, though? She took a deep breath, waiting for some kind of…stirring to happen in the cavity of her chest. Nothing. Silence. She let out an exasperated groan. She never thought she would miss Persephone’s tantrums.

She soon continued her trek to her apartment. And as she turned the corner at the end of the block, she walked straight into someone. Both of them almost fell to the ground.

“Hey, are you okay?” the guy checked.

“I’m frigging great,” she said. She looked the stranger up and down. He really was just a stranger. Hmm…damn it. She had almost been expecting—hoping for— “Watch where you’re going next time, yeah?”

“Whoa, chill, it was an accident. Sorry.”

“Oh, you’re sorry? Right, because apologising automatically fixes everything. I almost forgot.” She rolled her eyes at him before freezing. Then her eyes widened a bit. “Holy shit…”

“You sure you’re feeling okay?”

“Leave me alone.”

“Hey, I’m just trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help, nor do I want it.” And she was on her way again.

When she finally arrived at her apartment, she grabbed a can of beer from the fridge and collapsed onto the futon. She then thought back over the night’s recent events. _Because apologising automatically fixes everything._ “Y’know, I think I may have forgotten, after all,” she said to herself, her voice soft. She chuckled. “I don’t know if you’re still there or not, Persephone, but if you are—Whatever message you’re trying to get through to me…” She brushed the key pendant around her neck with her free hand. “I think I’m getting it loud and clear.”

_Touching him was like realising all you ever wanted was right there in front of you_

_Memorising him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favourite song_

_Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realising there’s no right answer_

_Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong…_

(October 7th, 2016)

“Sit your ass down,” Rikona said at the end of their shift that night. She then proceeded to take Kirika by the arm and push her onto the closest barstool. “We get you’re not one for talking, but you’re gonna talk to us right now. Something is seriously bugging you and you cannot deny it. So, what the hell happened? Did you do a stupid thing? Does it have to do with that guy you briefly mentioned a few nights ago?”

“Okay, stop interrogating her,” Emi said. She turned her focus on Kirika. “Please talk to us. We’re concerned about you.”

_No_. That’s exactly what Kirika should’ve said to them. That’s exactly what she wanted to say. Instead, though, she just…talked. She wasn’t sure where the sudden urge to open up came from, but she wasn’t gonna question it. Because maybe talking it out would help to put it in better perspective. Fresher perspective.

“I used to travel,” she started. “I didn’t have any family and didn’t attend school, so I just travelled across Japan. I would go to a new town pretty much every other month. I would spend two months in a town before moving on to the next one. It was this odd…pattern I had figured out for myself. I dunno.”

Rikona’s eyes widened. “Holy shit, the girl’s actually opening up to us.”

“Shut up.” Emi waved her off. “Haven’t you been here for at least a year now?”

Kirika nodded. “I don’t follow that pattern anymore. I haven’t for a long while now. And one of the last places I stayed at for longer than two months was this city called Iwatodai. I had been seventeen at the time. The ironic part is the fact that that’s where I had started my traveling when I was only eleven. It was where I began, and it was the first place after six years of traveling where I broke the pattern.”

Emi was clearly intrigued already. “What made you stay there for so long?”

“Hmm.” She paused, thinking. _Waste your time with me until the world ends_. She shook her head at the memory before clearing her throat. “I got caught up in some…gang violence issue. It was dumb.”

Rikona’s eyes were still wide. “Gang violence? Shit. What the hell kind of life did you live before you came here?”

“A complicated one.” She took a deep breath. “But that wasn’t the only reason I had for staying.”

“The guy you mentioned before, right?” Rikona said.

“That would be correct.” She nodded her head. “There was indeed a guy. And—Well, I guess I sorta left him behind. It’s so much more complex than that, though. It’s so much more intricate and just…a tangled mess.”

Now she let out a short laugh. “No wonder you don’t date.”

“You don’t date because you’re saving yourself for me, right?” Natsuo said as he walked out of the kitchen. He grinned at Kirika. “Tell me I’m right, babe.”

Kirika rolled her eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?”

“C’mon, what’s the issue?”

“You’re the issue,” Rikona said. “You’re a pig.”

He sneered at her. “I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Emi then spoke up. With that, the three of them grabbed all their belongings and left the restaurant. “We should go back to my place and continue this little session.”

“Why your place?” Rikona asked.

“It’s the closest.”

Kirika’s head was beginning to ache. “Actually, I think I’m gonna call it a night.”

Rikona’s eyes grew twice their size again. “What? C’mon, you can’t leave us hanging. We need to hear the rest of this story.”

She laughed a bit. “Another night, then. I mean, to be completely honest, it took a lot for me to talk about just that.”

“But—”

“We won’t force you to tell us anything else,” Emi said. “Go home and rest.”

“Thanks.” She turned away from them and headed for her apartment.

Not bad. She managed to finally open up a little. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for now. It was a good sign. It was healthy. Maybe now if she talked to them bit by bit about her past, it would all come out more easily. She just needed to pace herself. Then once it was off her chest and cleared out from her mind, she could organise her thoughts better. Figure out a better solution than just running away. Maybe then she could answer her question on what to do about those memories. Except…

How was she supposed to forget her mistakes, but remember her feelings?

_Losing him was blue like I’ve never known_

_Missing him was dark grey, all alone_

_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met_

_But loving him was red_

_Oh, red_

_Burning red…_

(October 8th, 2016)

“All right, I’m ready to hear more,” Rikona said as soon as she walked into the restaurant that afternoon. She dropped her things on the countertop and sat down on a barstool with an eager smile. “Talk to us.”

“Don’t push it,” Emi said.

Kirika only laughed. “It’s fine. Really.” She cleared her throat. “What more did you want to know?”

“I wanna hear about this guy that gave you such high standards,” Rikona went on. “The one guy to win over Kirika Nishioka’s mysterious heart. I mean, he must be an enigma in himself.”

“Well…he was an inconsiderate moron,” she then started with another chuckle. “I’m not sure if I’d say we were even in a real relationship. I mean, it had started and ended so abruptly. And it only lasted—” She stopped, her eyes widening a bit. “Five months. Shit. I gave him five months of my time. Of my life.”

“You only knew him for five months?” Emi spoke up.

“Oh, no. No, I knew him for almost an entire year. Technically. We met in April but didn’t start interacting with each other until July. Aside from a few impromptu meets here and there. It was nothing. It was meaningless. It was—”

Rikona scoffed now. “Sounds like it was a fling.”

Kirika shook her head. “It wasn’t. It was so much more than that.”

“Okay.” Emi considered this. “So how exactly did the two of you meet?”

“He almost punched me in the face,” she said. “He was big on exercising and just training in general and all that, and he had been out for a jog at the time and wasn’t paying any sort of attention and—” She paused, taking a deep breath as she collected her thoughts. “Well, I guess I hadn’t been paying much attention, either, and then I was an obnoxious bitch to him.”

Rikona laughed. “It was a train wreck. Got it. So how did you end up charming him after you were an obnoxious bitch?”

“I didn’t.” She sighed. “You see, I used to have this stupid rule about not getting attached to people. No emotions or any of that bullshit. Made life easier in the long run, especially with all the traveling I did. Never had to worry about hurting someone or getting myself hurt. But then I met him and—and he was just so damn stubborn. He refused to ever take no for answer.”

“All right. We got inconsiderate and stubborn so far.” Rikona nodded. “Do you maybe have anything nice to say about this guy?”

Now she rolled her eyes. “He deserved so much better than someone like me. Is that nice? Tch. He wasted so much time on me. He could’ve been off with some girl who had been worth his time instead. But he made me feel like I was worth it.”

Emi’s brow furrowed. “Why didn’t you think you were good enough?”

“Because I was a flight risk. And there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t remind him of that fact. But he always said I was worth the risk… I’m just not sure if I would’ve been worth the heartbreak.”

“Enough chitchat, ladies,” Natsuo said as he walked in. “We open in half an hour. This place better be cleaned and prepped already if we’re just sitting around.” And he entered the kitchen.

“Holy shit, he didn’t even look at you,” Rikona said.

Emi giggled a little. “He must’ve heard you talking about the guy from your past.”

Kirika held her breath. “Oh boy. I’m sure he’ll put me through a fresh new hell for that one.” She then sighed. “Guess we’ll be putting this talk on hold again.”

_Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes_

_Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go_

_But moving on from him is impossible_

_When I still see it all in my head_

_In burning red_

_Burning, it was red…_

(October 9th, 2016)

Kirika hated talking about the past. Yet, she had spent every one of her previous shifts at the bar doing just that. And there was still so much more for her to tell. So much more she would be forced to tell.

She thought opening up would help her. Guide her. It did…at first. Now it just felt like a burden. A chore. And the more she talked about it with the others, the more she thought about it when she was alone. It was different when she was alone, though. It was more painful. Intense. When she was alone, she couldn’t hide from the truth.

Every memory plaguing her was only revealing herself as the bad guy. Then again, she was her own worst enemy. But she knew that from the get-go. Better yet, she warned him from the very beginning, too. _I’m a flight risk_. Even after everything that had happened, that seemed to be the single truth that remained. It was the one thing about herself that never changed. It was the thing he had been most willing to look past.

It was the thing that ruined them both.

_Oh, losing him was blue like I’ve never known_

_Missing him was dark grey, all alone_

_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met_

_Cuz loving him was red_

_Yeah, yeah, red_

_We’re burning red…_

(October 10th, 2016)

“I’ve been dying to know what happened between you and this guy,” Rikona said at the end of the night.

“Not gonna lie, I’ve been eager to find out, too,” Emi said.

“Sorry, but it ain’t very exciting.” Kirika shrugged her shoulders. “He made me break all my stupid rules. I opened up to him. I grew attached to him. I—” She shook her head, the words getting caught in her throat. _That doesn’t mean you need to say it, too_. She swallowed hard. “I don’t even know how to explain it. Everything about our so-called relationship was—It didn’t make any sense. It shouldn’t have worked out the way it did. We weren’t compatible.”

“Clearly you had to have been to some extent,” Rikona said. “Otherwise the relationship never would’ve worked in the first place.”

“He was just so frustrating. He was so overprotective, and he had to turn everything into a frigging competition or make everything a challenge. I mean, he once argued with me about knowing me better than I knew myself. Like…who does that?”

“When you put it like that, it sounds like he was perfect for you.”

Emi nodded. “I was thinking the same thing. You love being challenged.”

Kirika let out a heavy sigh, thinking. “There were so many things he did that I just hated him for. And I hated him because…he made me feel normal. And there’s more to it than just that, but—but if it hadn’t been for him—” She covered her face with her hands before running her fingers though her hair. Rather than opening up getting easier the more she spoke, it was only getting more difficult. Thinking about him in general was hard enough to begin with. “He was part of the reason why I ended up staying in that city for as long as I did.”

“Right, I remember you mentioning that,” Emi said. “Did he ask you to stay?”

“No. He never asked because he didn’t want to make me feel obligated. He would just always ask me when I planned on leaving. So, I would always tell him I wasn’t sure. And he always accepted that answer.” She paused, trying to keep her voice from wavering. “Until he didn’t.”

Rikona’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it got to the point where not knowing if I would be around in a week or not was sorta…taking its toll on him. It was eating away at him. I felt bad, though, because I never had a definite answer to give him.” Another pause. “Until I did.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

She considered how she wanted to answer that. “There was actually one point when I had disappeared for a month,” she went on. “I traveled to thirteen different towns in just four weeks. Something kept telling me to go back to that godforsaken city, though. So, I did go back. And when I saw him again, I was so certain I was exactly where I wanted to be. Exactly where I needed to be.”

Emi smiled wide. “Sounds like you really cared about him.”

Now she took a deep breath. “Yeah, I did. I-I was…in love with him. And that terrified me more than anything else. Not only did that mean I had to protect myself, but it meant I had to protect him, too. At first, I tried so hard to convince him that we’d be better off not getting involved, but—”

“We’re closed,” Natsuo said as he exited the kitchen. “Go home.”

“Someone’s had an attitude lately,” Rikona said.

He only scoffed in response before guiding the three of them out of the restaurant. They then bid farewells and went their separate ways. That was probably for the better. Kirika was beginning to get in too deep to this retelling of her relationship with…him. Just like how she had gotten in too deep with him.

_And that’s why he’s spinning_

_Round in my head_

_Comes back to me_

_Burning red_

_Yeah, yeah…_

(October 11th, 2016)

“Uhm, did I do something wrong?” Kirika prompted once she and Rikona had a lull at the bar. “It feels like you’ve been avoiding me all night.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Guess I’m just thinking over the most recent part of your story.”

She already didn’t like where this was going. “What about it?”

She paused. “You didn’t appreciate this guy at all, did you?”

Her eyes widened. “Excuse me?” Hell, she almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous that sounded. “I appreciated everything he did for me.”

Emi rushed up to the bar at this. “Wow, okay, we do still have customers at tables, so you gotta keep your voice down.”

Kirika shook her head, livid now. “How dare you make an accusation like that?”

“You left him behind, didn’t you?” Rikona rolled her eyes when Kirika dropped her gaze. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. It definitely doesn’t mean I didn’t appreciate him.”

“Okay, I gotta go check on my customers,” Emi spoke back up. “Please keep your voices down and please don’t kill each other.” And she walked away.

Kirika breathed deep. “Why the hell are you suddenly so against me? Don’t make me regret telling you all this because I didn’t have to tell you anything.”

Rikona only shrugged again. “Guess I just don’t get how you could leave someone you were allegedly in love with. It’s been so long. I mean, you said you were seventeen, right? How could you not want to be with him? Or aren’t you afraid he’s possibly moved on by now? That he’s met someone new?”

“Of course I’ve thought about all that.”

“Well, if that’s the case, then what makes you think you have the right to barge back into his life like nothing ever happened?”

“I never said—”

She turned away from her to greet a customer who had just sat down at the bar. That only pissed Kirika off more. But she waited until Rikona took the customer’s drink order and turned away from them.

“You’re right. I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” she went on.

Rikona scoffed. “Yeah? That’s your big comeback?”

Kirika squeezed her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose. “When I left…I told him that the last thing I wanted was for us to treat the goodbye as forever. I didn’t want it to mean forever. But I also didn’t know when we would see each other again. I still don’t know when I’ll see him again. If I ever will see him again. Just because I didn’t want it to mean forever, doesn’t mean it won’t turn into forever.”

“You wouldn’t have had to worry about that if you had just stayed with him in the first place.” She then served the customer their drink. “So, I don’t feel sorry for you because you did this to yourself. And you’re right about him deserving better than you.”

“Rikona,” Emi said as she joined them behind the bar. “That’s awful. How could you say such a thing?”

Kirika paused as she reopened her eyes, though her gaze landed on nothing in particular. “Why do you think it’s taken me so long to open up about this?” she said. “I mean…I get it. I know I hurt him. And because of that, I hope he was able to move on. I hope he has met someone new.”

“You don’t mean that.” Rikona’s voice was soft.

She swallowed hard. “So long as he’s happy… Like you said, though, he deserves better than me. After all, I made a promise to watch over him. Yet, here I am. And wherever he is—His whereabouts are completely unknown to me.”

“But you’ll see him again someday,” Emi spoke up. “You have to.”

Now she shook her head. “I’m not sure if that would be a very good idea.”

“No, it wouldn’t be,” Rikona said. She returned to her customer momentarily. “As I said before, what if he has a new girlfriend?” she went on after taking their next order. “You just appearing back in his life wouldn’t be fair to either of them. Especially without any sort of warning.”

Emi groaned anxiously. “Would you two just stop fighting?” And she left to tend to her customers once more.

“I’m glad you’re looking out for someone you don’t even know,” Kirika said. “I get that I sound like a bitch, but it’s so much more complicated—”

“I don’t wanna hear any more excuses,” Rikona said. “You chose to end things and that’s that.”

She nodded. “You’re right.” She thought for a moment. “If it’s any consolation, I do fight with myself every frigging day over it. Especially recently. I mean, I hear his voice in my head so clearly… Sometimes I think I’ll open my eyes and he’ll be right there. Almost like it’s all been some elaborate dream. Speaking of, I do have dreams, as well. Vivid dreams. Nightmares. Tch. Trust me, Rikona, I am tormented by these mistakes. Okay? It ain’t like it was easy for me to go. I even told him I had to leave right away because I knew he would come up with some convincing argument to make me stay. So, it’s not like I left and felt any sort of relief or weight lifted off my shoulders. I left, and I felt…empty. Lost. But I stayed away because I didn’t want to be so dependent on him—”

“There’s nothing wrong with depending on someone. That’s part of what a relationship is. Helping each other with burdens.”

“I didn’t understand that at the time. I didn’t want to accept that. Plus, I was a burden in my entirety; I couldn’t let him bear it.”

_His love was like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street_

“That doesn’t mean you two shouldn’t be together, though,” Emi said once she rejoined them. “It was just bad timing.”

“There’s no such thing as bad timing. Either you fight for the relationship or you leave it behind.” Kirika took a deep breath, tracing the outline of the key around her neck. “And I chose to run.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that we're a few chapters into the sequel(s), I just want to thank whoever has come back to continue reading about this OC. She means a lot to me and I spent a lot of time on these sequel stories. Including a full rewrite. Most of my time was definitely spent on finding and choosing the most perfect songs to outline the relationship. Some of these songs have stayed the same since the very beginning, but quite a few have also been changed pretty much right up until I started posting. Even during posting, a couple songs for later on chapters have been switched. Some songs removed completely and others just got bumped a chapter or two. Either way, I have a put a lot of thought and consideration into these choices. I wanted the songs to almost tell a story on their own.
> 
> So, thank you again for reading my original story. And thank you for returning now to read the sequel(s).


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